79.6 ml/min/kg

A few weeks ago – before I went to the USA and undid the last year’s worth of training – I braved the streets of Walsall to go to the University Of Wolverhampton’s physiology laboratory, where a gentleman named Ian Lahart kindly took my height and weight.  

He then proceeded to connect me to a gas mask, oxygen supply and every other gismo you can think of, before putting me through a Maximal Oxygen Uptake Test, better known as the VO2max test. 

For the layman, this run-to-failure test works out the maximum amount of oxygen one can withdraw from the air per minute - one of the key indicators of aerobic fitness - as well as providing other useful information such as accurate training intensities.

My surprising result of 79.6 ml/min/kg - which I think we should round up to 80 - not only shows a phenomenally high oxygen uptake, which I firmly believe would have been higher had I had a smaller lunch, but also increases the number of terrains on which I’ve now stacked it.  Unfortunately, my fall also damaged the very expensive equipment, unknowingly giving a false reading on Ed’s subsequent test, and removed a large amount of skin from my knees and shins.

Now every BRAT Club member is booking into the Performance Hub to try and beat my score, while in a change of heart, Lance Armstrong’s office have released a statement stating that he wishes that he’d stayed clean to try and legitimately beat my result (Armstrong recorded a maximum of 84.0 ml/min/kg).

Oh, and courtesy of Mister Bank's steady hand, you can relive the final moments of this test here: