Warm Weather.....Training

5000m goal : 15:50

5k PB : 16:21

5k SB (post-Sept 2011) : 16:21

I’ve never been on a warm weather training holiday before.  To clarify for the uninitiated, this involves going away with friends to a supposedly warm place, to train hard and effectively in a different environment without the pressures of work and everyday life.  For myself and eight friends over the last two weeks, this was largely the plan, however it didn’t quite unfold like this.

Villamoura instead was the venue for 10 days of celebrity spotting, in which Alex Tovey, who sports a gentleman’s 1500m of 3:46 which he dubiously claims not to have run in Nike Structure Triax footwear, consistently embarrassed us with his audible outcries of recognition. 

Tovey, who is also rumoured to have met Nick Goolab in the flesh, limited the number of miles which were ran in over 7 minutes to a cruel 1.23, with word around the pool stating that this was to test his vast array of running vests at speed to see which would be the most colourful when he lines up at the UK trials this June.

Tovey, Alex can be seen on the BBC, June 24^th-26^th 2012.

Unfortunately his training shadow Millborg, earlier disqualified from the alcopop strawpedo competition, crumbled under the pressure of recently being voted my 2^nd ever favourite athlete, with a late night drunken long jump into the villa pool resulting in a season-ending scrapped knee, which did nothing to help his hangover the next day.  Even Miss Squires herself broke down on the track a few days later in a lactate-enhanced emotional display as she realised the consequences of this drunken night, in which R. Kelly’s ‘Bump and Grind’ was accidently requested seconds before the karaoke bar filled with Liz McColgan’s training group, average age 12.

Millett, back left, scrambling out of the pool in after a 
season-ending rush of blood to the head.

Some of R. Kelly’s finest lyrics were performed to an
inappropriate audience.

Chief Personal Motivator and Head Movement Coach Howard, administering a balanced training programme between mileage and factor 4 tanning oil was my co-conspirator in the tempo run of the year (through a sample of two), draconically efficient in marshalling the range between the fastest and slowest miles to one second.  Its success was such that not only did Eilish McColgan take to the trails to try and join in, but one lucky individual even made off with Nando’s t-shirt as a souvenir, teaching him a valuable lesson in ‘couples karma’.  Withnesses gave a description matching one Dave Howlett, who had previously almost single-handedly dragged up the villa’s daily per-person mileage average to double figures without any fuss.

Amongst the sun bathing, post run dips in the pool and over indulgence in snacks resembling dog biscuits, it is hoped that this athlete (me, that is) managed to bagsy enough training effect to improve on the 3minutes and 1 second which I am adrift from the required Olympic A-Standard ahead of this summers global showdown.  With Chris Thornburg already securing fabricated tickets just to see me, it my sole hope that I wont let him down.

Official UKA sources believe that all athletes on the trip managed to perform at least some token training, including our P.E coordinator, Leigh-Ann, whose new found proficiency in middle distance terminology is reportedly the reason behind a secret recruitment by Alberto Salazar to help Farah get back to winning ways.

A WAG, Emily Armstrong also attended the trip.

Emily, pictured front right, actually cooks a spiffing lasagne, 

and was recruited by this restaurant shortly after.

Diminishing Marginal Returns

5000m goal : 15:50

5000m PB : 16:29.9

5k SB (post-Sept 2011) : 17:36

At first I had been very reluctant to put a target into writing.  The obvious downsides: the pressure of trying to achieve it or perhaps the public humiliation should I fall miles short.  But my cockiness in doing this has had some positives too: aside from the secret hope that I’ll somehow surpass it by at least a minute, motivation.  There’s a number in my head.  15:50.  Its right there,  15:50, whenever I am feeling slightly lazy.  This morning it got me out of bed at 06:54 (yes my alarm is set that accurately) to get to the pool.  This evening that goal flashed in my head while I considered if I could be arsed to do the prescribed 3 sets of conditioning circuits when I returned soaking wet from an hour post-work run.  But that goal does mean that my rather feeble hips and shoulders are slightly more tired than they otherwise would have been tonight, and I can enjoy the standard 2¼ bowls of evening Weetos guilt-free.

Living with Mister Alastair Canaway for the last 11 months has left me privy to many economic terms.  “Opportunity Cost”, “Propensity to Consume” and “God my bum insertion point is aching again” are all economic phrases to which I am regularly privy.  But the one that sticks most in my mind is “Diminishing Marginal Returns”.  The concept that a higher proportion of my fitness gains will come in the first half of my training, with the applied effort being worth less the closer I get to my goal.  As such I am nailing the endurance work and racked up 73 hard and lazy miles, and one emergency sprint to the bathroom from a lying down position, last week, with a solid Saturday afternoon spent tactically planning training patterns with Chief Movement Coach Nick ‘Nandos’ Howard fitted between games of Fifa 12.

Despite being snubbed by UKA for the recent High Alitude Endurance Camp in Iten, Kenya, I more than made up for this with 15 consecutive mind-numbing laps of Metchley Park, leaving me ideally prepared for a SB lowering attempt at Saturday’s Cannon Hill Park Run.  I still remain fearful of my house Triple Jump Lead, which with housemates practicing bouncing routines around the clock, the 1.16m looks less secure each day.