UKA stirrup more trouble

The Carter family are said to be disappointed after finally getting around to checking the list of new lottery funded athletes last night, only to discover second-born Timothy has not been given lottery support for his jogging.

Timothy, who is currently in the bath, has declined the opportunity to comment, but in an interview with his parents (who play the National Lottery with limited success every week), it became apparent that they have very limited knowledge of athletics.  “I read that there was a level of funding that applied to contenders for Rio 2016, and I’ve been telling my friends at swimming that I know what Rio is,” said his mother while separating Timothy’s whites from colours.  “For [UKA] to say that Timothy has no chance of making it is just like school P.E all over again when he was only given an effort grade of ‘C’.”

Timothy, who this week has been working on wearing longer shorts in training, is rumoured to have filled out an entry form and stamped-addressed-envelope for a 10k later this year, after deliberating between this and the fun run option which incentivised a free Santa hat.  It has also been suggested that he may be tempted to do another Park Run if he feels like it at some point, although the idea that he still knows where his bar code is quite a far-fetched.

The only silver lining in all this is that Mark Lewis Francis has been dropped from funding.  The athlete is rumoured to have been sent to the Inflator Room at Theme Hospital.

79.6 ml/min/kg

A few weeks ago – before I went to the USA and undid the last year’s worth of training – I braved the streets of Walsall to go to the University Of Wolverhampton’s physiology laboratory, where a gentleman named Ian Lahart kindly took my height and weight.  

He then proceeded to connect me to a gas mask, oxygen supply and every other gismo you can think of, before putting me through a Maximal Oxygen Uptake Test, better known as the VO2max test. 

For the layman, this run-to-failure test works out the maximum amount of oxygen one can withdraw from the air per minute - one of the key indicators of aerobic fitness - as well as providing other useful information such as accurate training intensities.

My surprising result of 79.6 ml/min/kg - which I think we should round up to 80 - not only shows a phenomenally high oxygen uptake, which I firmly believe would have been higher had I had a smaller lunch, but also increases the number of terrains on which I’ve now stacked it.  Unfortunately, my fall also damaged the very expensive equipment, unknowingly giving a false reading on Ed’s subsequent test, and removed a large amount of skin from my knees and shins.

Now every BRAT Club member is booking into the Performance Hub to try and beat my score, while in a change of heart, Lance Armstrong’s office have released a statement stating that he wishes that he’d stayed clean to try and legitimately beat my result (Armstrong recorded a maximum of 84.0 ml/min/kg).

Oh, and courtesy of Mister Bank's steady hand, you can relive the final moments of this test here: