Warm Weather.....Training

5000m goal : 15:50

5k PB : 16:21

5k SB (post-Sept 2011) : 16:21

I’ve never been on a warm weather training holiday before.  To clarify for the uninitiated, this involves going away with friends to a supposedly warm place, to train hard and effectively in a different environment without the pressures of work and everyday life.  For myself and eight friends over the last two weeks, this was largely the plan, however it didn’t quite unfold like this.

Villamoura instead was the venue for 10 days of celebrity spotting, in which Alex Tovey, who sports a gentleman’s 1500m of 3:46 which he dubiously claims not to have run in Nike Structure Triax footwear, consistently embarrassed us with his audible outcries of recognition. 

Tovey, who is also rumoured to have met Nick Goolab in the flesh, limited the number of miles which were ran in over 7 minutes to a cruel 1.23, with word around the pool stating that this was to test his vast array of running vests at speed to see which would be the most colourful when he lines up at the UK trials this June.

Tovey, Alex can be seen on the BBC, June 24^th-26^th 2012.

Unfortunately his training shadow Millborg, earlier disqualified from the alcopop strawpedo competition, crumbled under the pressure of recently being voted my 2^nd ever favourite athlete, with a late night drunken long jump into the villa pool resulting in a season-ending scrapped knee, which did nothing to help his hangover the next day.  Even Miss Squires herself broke down on the track a few days later in a lactate-enhanced emotional display as she realised the consequences of this drunken night, in which R. Kelly’s ‘Bump and Grind’ was accidently requested seconds before the karaoke bar filled with Liz McColgan’s training group, average age 12.

Millett, back left, scrambling out of the pool in after a 
season-ending rush of blood to the head.

Some of R. Kelly’s finest lyrics were performed to an
inappropriate audience.

Chief Personal Motivator and Head Movement Coach Howard, administering a balanced training programme between mileage and factor 4 tanning oil was my co-conspirator in the tempo run of the year (through a sample of two), draconically efficient in marshalling the range between the fastest and slowest miles to one second.  Its success was such that not only did Eilish McColgan take to the trails to try and join in, but one lucky individual even made off with Nando’s t-shirt as a souvenir, teaching him a valuable lesson in ‘couples karma’.  Withnesses gave a description matching one Dave Howlett, who had previously almost single-handedly dragged up the villa’s daily per-person mileage average to double figures without any fuss.

Amongst the sun bathing, post run dips in the pool and over indulgence in snacks resembling dog biscuits, it is hoped that this athlete (me, that is) managed to bagsy enough training effect to improve on the 3minutes and 1 second which I am adrift from the required Olympic A-Standard ahead of this summers global showdown.  With Chris Thornburg already securing fabricated tickets just to see me, it my sole hope that I wont let him down.

Official UKA sources believe that all athletes on the trip managed to perform at least some token training, including our P.E coordinator, Leigh-Ann, whose new found proficiency in middle distance terminology is reportedly the reason behind a secret recruitment by Alberto Salazar to help Farah get back to winning ways.

A WAG, Emily Armstrong also attended the trip.

Emily, pictured front right, actually cooks a spiffing lasagne, 

and was recruited by this restaurant shortly after.

The Cream Cracker Challenge

5000m PB : 16:29.9

5k SB (post-Sept 2011) : 17:36

Cream Cracker PB: 49.2s

Over the last few days my focus has shifted away from the monotony of high quality miles.  While former friend and colleague Steven Bayton will be running away from all of the lesser humans in his native Halifax, my endurance sessions will involve spending the Christmas period with my family, while attempting to maintain a good posture throughout. 

This hardcore mental and physical preparation is just the beginning of what should be an exciting month however, centering around my recent breakthrough at the Cream Cracker Challenge.  A season’s best, and PB of 49.2 seconds (manual timing) for the three-cracker event has meant that Matthew Quine’s PB at 400m (47 point something fast) is now within my reach, and he has accepted my challenge of a Quine versus Carter, 400m versus Cream Cracker Challenge at the upcoming Northern Athletics Meeting in Sheffield.

“I have been eating lots to improve my jaw strength,” mused Carter, in a silent interview with myself, who is also my coach.  “Multiple soft snacks improve my bite turnover, while generously portioned main meals improve my static jaw strength and overall endurance.”

Housemate Alastair Canaway became very excited about this new challenge, with recent binges of running and swimming rumoured to have ended.  “Eating lots is a training pattern that I can really identify with.  Lets just hope that Carter’s small bladder doesn’t become his Achilles heal in this challenge.”

GB Steeplechaser and Olympic hopeful Eilish McColgan was said to be so impressed in fact that she ‘friended’ me on facebook, with her blog stating that she has “…literally never been so excited!”, possibly in regards to something else.

My feet remain grounded, however, with my father remarking at lunch that “he’ll never succeed in this challenge,” while scoffing the last of the only pack of Jacobs, rending any time trials over the coming days improbable.  Instead I’ll be looking at returning to dry cereal to promote saliva production, while ballooning out over the holiday period to try and better fit in with the rest of my friends and family.