BUCS Outdoors Preview

Six months ago - and these winter months have not flown - I set myself a wee target: 15:50 for 5000m at BUCS Outdoors, a race that is now but six days away. 

I didn’t know at the time if it was achievable: I was working off no fitness whatsoever, and didn’t even know if I would get a place at the event, or if BCU had an athletics team.  For the record, they don’t, but the controversial selection process has let me with entry in both distance events.

For someone once described by their physio as having the running technique of a stroke victim, I have changed almost everything in the last six months.  I’ve addressed unsymmetrical biomechanics, an aversion to morning training, and even started incorporating extra fruit and veg in my diet.  I’ve even instigated a move away from the mighty Structure Triax shoe - the brick of shoes as my training companions call it - and purchased a rather colourful ‘Fastwitch’ shoe, the irony of which will become apparent on the start line.

Recent events, namely the selfishness of the Usain Bolt and his mates on the Jamaican National Team coming to Birmingham this summer means the local facilities are being resurfaced, depriving me of the reassurance of pacing in my sessions.  As such, I have literally no idea what shape I’m in, no idea how fast I can run this weekend.  The result will be as much of a surprise to me as everyone else, but it will truly be an Olympic occasion.

"Season's Over"

On the day that 30,000 people took to the street of London, the amateur athletics world has been rocked by the news that Simon Millett’s “season’s over”.

The former participant at Watford Open, who last year came gut wrenchingly close to breaking 4 minutes for 1500m, is believed to have sustained a suspected torn meniscus in a late night incident involving alcohol on a recent training trip to Villamoura, Portgual.

UKA have condemned the reports, and claimed that the injury was caused during a stretching session, however sources close to the athlete have claimed the Simon had a strong urge to jump into water after hearing Gemma Steel sing karaoke.

Best friend Alex Tovey is said to be distraught, found in a side street with a bottle of wine in a paper bag earlier this afternoon.  “I don’t understand the problem, he has another knee…why should I have to run on my own all summer?”

In a further blow to Simon, Lego have announced that they will not be pursuing their planned Lego Basic ‘Millett and Friends’ series, announcing at their unscheduled press conference: “he doesn’t seem to be taking himself seriously, so why should we?”

In a positive twist, however, the powerof10 have claimed that if video evidence of the pool incident can be obtained, it will be ratified for a long jump PB, which should place him in the top 200 of the UK under-17 girls rankings.

“I knew the moment that it happened that the season was over,” said Millett.  “It’s so annoying – I was just starting to feel sexy in the bedroom again, and now this.  I’m an upbeat person though, and I’ll be using this time to work on my new range of cereal and rice products.”

 

        

 Millett’s new range of cereal and rice, modelled in his 

image, available from all good retailers.

Warm Weather.....Training

5000m goal : 15:50

5k PB : 16:21

5k SB (post-Sept 2011) : 16:21

I’ve never been on a warm weather training holiday before.  To clarify for the uninitiated, this involves going away with friends to a supposedly warm place, to train hard and effectively in a different environment without the pressures of work and everyday life.  For myself and eight friends over the last two weeks, this was largely the plan, however it didn’t quite unfold like this.

Villamoura instead was the venue for 10 days of celebrity spotting, in which Alex Tovey, who sports a gentleman’s 1500m of 3:46 which he dubiously claims not to have run in Nike Structure Triax footwear, consistently embarrassed us with his audible outcries of recognition. 

Tovey, who is also rumoured to have met Nick Goolab in the flesh, limited the number of miles which were ran in over 7 minutes to a cruel 1.23, with word around the pool stating that this was to test his vast array of running vests at speed to see which would be the most colourful when he lines up at the UK trials this June.

Tovey, Alex can be seen on the BBC, June 24^th-26^th 2012.

Unfortunately his training shadow Millborg, earlier disqualified from the alcopop strawpedo competition, crumbled under the pressure of recently being voted my 2^nd ever favourite athlete, with a late night drunken long jump into the villa pool resulting in a season-ending scrapped knee, which did nothing to help his hangover the next day.  Even Miss Squires herself broke down on the track a few days later in a lactate-enhanced emotional display as she realised the consequences of this drunken night, in which R. Kelly’s ‘Bump and Grind’ was accidently requested seconds before the karaoke bar filled with Liz McColgan’s training group, average age 12.

Millett, back left, scrambling out of the pool in after a 
season-ending rush of blood to the head.

Some of R. Kelly’s finest lyrics were performed to an
inappropriate audience.

Chief Personal Motivator and Head Movement Coach Howard, administering a balanced training programme between mileage and factor 4 tanning oil was my co-conspirator in the tempo run of the year (through a sample of two), draconically efficient in marshalling the range between the fastest and slowest miles to one second.  Its success was such that not only did Eilish McColgan take to the trails to try and join in, but one lucky individual even made off with Nando’s t-shirt as a souvenir, teaching him a valuable lesson in ‘couples karma’.  Withnesses gave a description matching one Dave Howlett, who had previously almost single-handedly dragged up the villa’s daily per-person mileage average to double figures without any fuss.

Amongst the sun bathing, post run dips in the pool and over indulgence in snacks resembling dog biscuits, it is hoped that this athlete (me, that is) managed to bagsy enough training effect to improve on the 3minutes and 1 second which I am adrift from the required Olympic A-Standard ahead of this summers global showdown.  With Chris Thornburg already securing fabricated tickets just to see me, it my sole hope that I wont let him down.

Official UKA sources believe that all athletes on the trip managed to perform at least some token training, including our P.E coordinator, Leigh-Ann, whose new found proficiency in middle distance terminology is reportedly the reason behind a secret recruitment by Alberto Salazar to help Farah get back to winning ways.

A WAG, Emily Armstrong also attended the trip.

Emily, pictured front right, actually cooks a spiffing lasagne, 

and was recruited by this restaurant shortly after.